Now temperatures are soaring to inhumane levels in Hong Kong, it is time to suffer the season of ultimate social indignity.
By now I should be conditioned to the anxiety of being
witnessed melting uncontrollably in rivers of sweat, like the traumatised
ex-Vietnam pilot Ted Striker, in the movie Airplane but like Striker, I just
can't get over it.
While the city's urban elite remain insulated in their own
artificially controlled arctic microclimate, from temperature-controlled chauffeur driven limousine to air-conditioned
office block, they remain blissfully unaware of the cruel embarrassment us
lesser mortals must suffer. They have probably never even heard of a 'three shirt
day'.
The three-shirt
procedure is mandatory for those forced
to venture outside into the huge open
air pizza oven to stagger to bus stops,
ferry piers or MTR stations.
For those not familiar with the protocol, it necessitates a replacement shirt being concealed in a
small discrete plastic bag together with a small bottle of highly pungent
deodorant. Shortly before reaching the intended
destination, it is necessary to dive discretely into a conveniently located public toilet. Here, start to unpeel the offending wet shirt (shirt
one) that has adhered itself to your skin during the journey in the searing
heat.
A dry replacement can then be put on over flaccid damp skin after a liberal dosing of
toxic deodorant has been applied to the upper body. Always wait at least three minutes to dry and
avoid the temptation to use toilet paper to mop excess moisture from your upper
body. This can result in tiny fragments
becoming attached to eyebrows or other body hair, giving colleagues the misleading impression that you are suffering from a rare
and contagious dermatological disorder.
Shirt three remains in a reserve plastic bag in case of any unexpected
social invitations that evening. If so, the offending shirt (2) is normally removed in a small toilet cubicle in the bar or
restaurant. This exercise often requires the
agility and grim determination of Houdini escaping from a strait jacket.
Abstaining from this golden rule, as I did recently for an informal
party at a neighbour's house, a short walk away from my home, will only produce
tragic results. Even though the sun had set and I had taken the precaution of walking at a funereal pace,
it did not prevent me bursting into spontaneous fountains of fluid by the time I entered the party. My light-blue shirt (always a high risk sweat colour) had stuck to me like glue, so
that my nipples protruded from the sweat-soaked cotton in a revolting limpid mess.
The desultory party small talk stopped abruptly apon my
dripping entrance. The host took one horrified look at me and said,
"please, go inside and I will find you a shirt to wear. " It was the calm
matter-of -fact paternal tone often reserved for a small child who has
accidently defecated in their trousers.
A friend told me later that
it was the first time he had ever heard of anyone being offered a
replacement shirt on arrival at a Hong Kong social engagement and he has lived
here for over 37 years.
The host kindly produced three short sleeve shirts on a hangar
and asked me to choose one. The first had tiny motifs of Bob Marley spread
across it, the second was a sick mustard colour so I opted for the third, an
innocuous faded blue floral patterned print.
As if the evening could not get off to a worse start, the
shirt, while perfectly tasteful, was several sizes too small for my ample
frame. The buttons stretched across my
torso and grey chest hair sprouted through the gaps like dead weeds on a cracked
patio. I felt like I was about to audition, unsuccessfully no doubt, for a part
in a 1970s porn movie.
I decided to spend the remainder of the party sat very still
within close range of an air conditioning unit but the final indignity was yet
to come. On making my excuses, hoping at least to make a graceful exit the host
insisted on having his shirt returned. He
explained he was about to go on holiday to Europe and it was one of his
favourites. I paused hoping in vain that this was an ironic joke as all eyes
were turned to me once more. I slowly removed his shirt and left, rather self-consciously and topless, to
make my way home in the dark.
